I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Holy shit dude........stairs
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
