smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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