Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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