OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
