I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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