oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
