Me. At least after what I've been through.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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