The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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