Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im six kinds of drunk right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
