Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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