Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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