he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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