Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
