i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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