I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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