I wish my penis had an off switch
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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