A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
