I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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