true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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