I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
