How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
