I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize