So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
