Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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