That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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