i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize