i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
