at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
