Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
