My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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