He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
