shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
