i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
