apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
