made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
