Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
