if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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