Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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