he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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