And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
