i think my tv is drunk
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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