Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
