She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
