Do you still have your period?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
