I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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