remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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