I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
