mondays should just be called national damage control day
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
