just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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