Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
cat food counts as protein by the way
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
