remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
