Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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