I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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