I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize