She is in my trunk
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
