If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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