Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
