Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found puke in my bra..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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