turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
